Sunday, July 15, 2007

Please, for the sake of my blood pressure

I drove to the hometown in WI for a family reunion this weekend and opted to take the freeways to get there because the 2-lane back road highways usually have me stuck behind someone who is out for a leisurely ride versus actually trying to get somewhere and it makes my head explode when I can’t pass them.

But no, the freeways were not idiot-free this weekend. I know I’ve ranted about this before, so feel free to skip it, but I would like to put out there, into the ether, these handy driving tips for anyone and everyone driving the same routes that I am before I decide to purchase a menacing-looking handgun to threaten people with.

1. Be alert! Be aware! No dozing off! No cell phones! No animated conversations! No staring at the scenery! More precisely – NOTICE ME – and act accordingly.

2a. Pick a speed and stick to it. I honestly don’t care what speed you pick, just as long as you pick one. I can adjust, really. I’ll pass you if I need to (and it *is* a need), or I’ll let you pass me, whatever. All I’m asking for is some consistency and predictability.

2b. Use your damn cruise control! I promise that if you try it, you will like it. And for the assholes out there spreading rumors that cruise control use will raise your chances of getting in an accident? Shut your pie hole. You’re absurd. Cruise control is very easy to turn on and off as car manufacturers made it that way on purpose… to keep you from having accidents… which would preclude you from buying their cars… see? All very logical. If you’re prone to zoning out you’re going to do it whether your car is on cruise or not – I know, I’ve seen you do it.

3. This is not a game. You and I? We are not racing. I am not trying to “beat” you. Shame will not come to your family or your good name if I pass you. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/imaginary friend is not impressed. And I am just pissed.

4. The *left* lane is for passing. The *right* lane is for everything else. You can see the scenery on the left side of the road just as well from the right lane. If people are passing you on the right – that means you should MOVE OVER. The two lanes are not equal, nor are they options for you to choose from “Hmm… I could drive in the right lane, but I’m feeling that left is better for me today.” No. No no no. No. You cannot. It is not allowed. Where is that damn trooper I passed a few miles back? I’d like them to slap you.

5. If you’re going to pass me, hurry up and do it. I do not need you hovering around my blind spot, or next to me, or just slightly ahead of me. You seem to do this just as I’m closing in on someone I’d like to pass myself. Please reread 1 & 2b.

6. I do not enjoy playing “leap frog.” You lead me only to assume that you are either drunk, dozing off, or schizophrenic. Especially if you look at me as if I’m the annoying one. I have my cruise on – YOU’RE the one acting strange. Please reread 1, 2a, 2b, and especially 3 (and 5 if you’re bored).

7. Specifically for today: What the hell was going on around River Falls and Hudson this afternoon? Traffic slowed to a crawl – TWICE. I fully expected to see an accident, but there was none – either time. WTF?

This public service announcement is brought to you today by my circulatory system, which is begging you, pleading with you, to help me keep it together while driving. Thank you for your attention and good night.


Blogger craig said...

Shut your pie hole. You’re absurd.

That made me laugh out loud. At work. Well done.

5:59 AM  
Blogger Lil Kate said...

Awesome! That was my goal. I know how you and the missus are fans of the term "pie hole." I couldn't resist.

9:00 AM  
Blogger dressagemom said...

I'm also fond of "asshat", which you failed to mention in your post. Not that it isn't entertaining as is...

I'm just sayin.

6:53 AM  

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